The next six months are going to be terrible.

Well, my mom and I had a fight. Not physical or anything, just yelling.

A quick recap of the situation there: about a year and a half ago we went through some major financial difficulties that resulted in lots of bills that we were very close to not being able to pay. We had to move out of our first house, a house that I loved and still do. It was a very difficult time, and I am very paranoid about money now. Especially since we don't have any, and you should be paranoid about money if you're poor. So when the car died and we had no savings to pay for it (it couldn't have broken a month earlier when we did have savings, of course not) I made the decision that we needed to move in with my mom to avoid getting into a situation like we had before, where we very seriously were discussing bankruptcy. I don't want to do that again. We're moving this weekend and hope to have the money for the car by mid-August. Then we can focus on saving, paying bills, and maybe even buying another house. I asked her if that would be OK, and she agreed.

My sister lived with my mom and moved out not too long before our situation came up , and all I have heard the entire time we have been planning our move is "I hope it's not like when your sister was here. I can't take that again." "I hope you appreciate this more than your sister did." "I hope you keep this room cleaner than your sister did." It's not all about my sister, though. Some other memorable quotes? "If I decide that you're spending money on things that aren't necessary, I'm going to start charging you rent." And about us being there when she's trying to sell her house: "If the real estate agent comes to show the house, you guys need to leave. Take a walk or something." (To understand why this is so bad, my mom lives about ten miles out in the country. Off a major highway. There is no place to 'take a walk' unless I want to get hit by a car, and if the kids are sleeping, I'm not going to wake them up. Sorry, that's just how it is. If people can't make an appointment and expect to show up at a moment's notice, they have to get used to the idea that there may be people home.)

She's also told me that I have to buy groceries and clean, which, on paper doesn't sound so bad. The first one doesn't really bother me, my mom doesn't eat breakfast and buys her lunch so all I'd have to worry about is dinner. Most of the food I make can be served family style, one extra isn't a big deal. However, I have cleaned for my mom before and she expects the house to constantly be in show condition. As in, if the kids are playing with toys, run after them and pick up one toy as soon as they're done with it instead of waiting until they're done playing. Take people's plates from them as soon as they've taken the last bite of food off of it even if this means getting up from your own meal. Even if it means you have to eat cold food, you put the pots and pans from dinner in the dishwasher as soon as the food is out of them (if they're able to be put in the dishwasher, there is some sort of arbitrary system to what can and cannot go in the dishwasher that seems to be related to when she bought the items and how much she paid). Stuff like that.

I don't want to sound ungrateful that my mom is letting us move in for a few months. I am grateful. I am just tired of being taken for granted. I have yet to hear a thank you for loaning my mom/brother the money that could have let me avoid this whole situation. DH doesn't get thanked for helping my mom with the chores; in fact, she complains about him all the time and has been trying to get me to leave him even when I was pregnant with my oldest. I can remember an incident where she was driving me home from the hospital where I had been with preterm labor. I was going home to go on bedrest and she harped on me the entire way home about leaving him. Stress is good for the baby, right?

My mother is difficult to live with. At least two of my sisters agree with me on this. She is great when you're not living with her: easy to get along with, nice, etc. But when you're under the same roof she's a nightmare.

Where was I going with all this? Oh, yes. We were at her house Sunday. DH and I had been moving stuff up, and E was sitting at the table coloring with his cousin M. M knocked a napkin on the floor, no big deal. I saw it as I was loading and unloading the dishwasher. I didn't think it was important enough to interrupt that to go pick up a clean napkin. Oops.

My mom came in, saw the napkin on the floor, and started sniping about how this was just like when my sister was here, it was starting already, on and on and on. Over a napkin that a two-year-old knocked onto the floor. And not even my two-year-old. I snapped. I am so sick and tired of hearing how us moving in is a huge inconvenience. She constantly talks about wishing she could sell the house now, there's a lady who's going to come see it in November, wouldn't it be nice if she could sell it then, etc. I know, or hope, she doesn't mean it the way it comes across--I'll sell this thing without a care as to what you guys are going to do for shelter--but it still stings. So I had had it up to my eyeballs yesterday. When she started complaining, I started yelling about how I wasn't my sister and I was sick and tired of hearing about all this, it wasn't even something that my kid had done, etc. I was just done with it. We left.

On the way home, I kept telling DH "this is a huge mistake. This is a huge mistake, we should not be doing this." His argument was it's not a mistake if it's your only option. I think that you can be doing the only thing you see available to you and still be making a mistake. Sometimes that's just how things work out.

Sorry about the huge vent, hopefully no one thinks I'm an ungrateful brat. I just don't appreciate the attitude that we're doing this because we'd rather leech off my parents. To the contrary, I am very upset that I'm 24, married with 2 kids, and having to move in with my mom. I only hope that we can get this taken care of and get out of there ASAP.

To make this a post that's on topic with my blog, this didn't make me overeat. In fact, I believe I lost another pound. So there.

Ah, insomnia. We meet again.

I guess it's not terribly fair to call it insomnia if I'm almost always up at this hour. It just feels wrong to be wide awake at 2 AM when there is no pay involved. I'm starting to think it would be better for me to nap in the afternoon with the kids and then sleep for six or so hours at 8 or 9. It just seems to be how things want to be.

Anyway, I've been feeling a little stagnant lately. We rent, but we rent from a private owner, which means that we have certain freedoms that people in apartments owned by corporations don't have. We can paint, and I put in a new kitchen floor (with permission, thank you). But now all the major stuff is done. Except for the dozens of sewing projects and, frankly, ugh. I'm sick of sewing right now. I had a bad experience with finishing the edges of sheer fabric embroidered with metallic threads. It was the biggest pain in the ass ever.

When we had finished the painting, floor, etc., I realized that, for the most part, I was done. I have never been done before. We have lived a lot of places, most private owned, and quite a few owned by my parents. There were projects I wanted to do in all of them and in all of them we moved before they were finished and I still lament not getting those things done. But now I am done. And I feel at loose ends. It's unfamiliar, and it's not like what I thought it would be. I imagined I would bask in the glow of my finishedness, and instead I seem to be panicking and going through some sort of life crisis. I even looked at houses for sale although we're really not in a financial position to be doing so. And moving sucks.

This mood was made worse when I went to put N in his carseat tonight. It is a 5-22 pound carrier, and I realized that he was probably at the upper weight limit. His feet are hanging over the end, and the shoulder straps cannot be adjusted any higher. My baby is growing up. DH and I agreed that we would not have any more children (more on this in a minute) so I have been gathering baby paraphernalia to sell on Craigslist or something. I realized that that carseat was my last bit of little baby stuff. There will be no other stuff to get rid of until N outgrows the convertible carseat that E is currently in, the one that goes to 40 pounds. That will probably be another two years.

Now on to the stuff about babies. I don't know that I am done having kids. It was always my plan to have four children. Even now, after giving birth to two, and remembering how bad it was, I'd like to have four. At the time that we agreed that two was best, well, two was best. I certainly wouldn't have a third child now, right this minute. I can't remember the last time I got a good night's sleep and I am seriously contemplating becoming nocturnal because it would be easier. Also, I have always said that I would have an even number of kids. Odd numbers mean someone gets left out. I grew up with two siblings at home and I can attest to this fact. This means that if I have one more kid I'm committing to having two more kids. And we don't have anywhere to put two more kids, unless they are of the variety that you can fold up and store under the couch when not in use.

One major reason I said OK to only having two was that I have two sons, and I wanted (want) a daughter very badly. Nothing against boys, but I want a little girl. There are tons of reasons why, and I'm not going to justify my want. However, I have this fear that if I get pregnant again I will have another boy. And then another one after that. And then I will have four sons. Imagine all the possible broken and/or maimed appendages. I cannot or I will surely become a gibbering, drooling idiot.

So right now I just feel like I need...something. Something to happen. Although normally I am content with the day to day of my life, and I am happy with everything around me, right now I am...restless seems to be the best word. Waiting. I guess I'll know what I'm waiting for when it happens.