Stranger Things Have Happened

I have somehow lost six pounds. I hope they stay lost.

Tomorrow Comes So Quickly

Oops. The "tomorrow" that I promised to post pictures on has come and gone quite a few times. Can I just say, though, that Blogger does not work on dial up? At least not my dial up. So this is being posted from my mom's computer, which has broadband. Slow broadband, but nevertheless.

So basic update: we're still working. I was hoping to be in by the end of October, but now it's looking like mid-December. We will be in before the end of the year, because since we're moving from one state to another it will have tax ramifications if we don't. And I hate filling out tax returns for two states.

Um...yeah. I don't have any pictures on this computer, and I've forgotten where I left off with my story last time, so I'll have to do all that later. I will try and do that by the weekend, but no promises.

As for weight loss...well, I'm at the same weight I have been for a while. No more, no less. Any effort at changing my eating habits has been put on hold until we move. Basically, while my mom has an awesome kitchen, it's 65 degrees in here right now. We tend to huddle in one bedroom with one or two space heaters so we don't all freeze to death. In fact, I think that's where we'll go now. I can't feel my toes.

Yet Another Change of Plan

In the interest of full disclosure, I feel I should post this here: I am on a diet. Low-carb, to be specific, but not Atkins. (Screw induction, I'll eat as many vegetables and low-sugar fruits as I want to eat.) I feel a few ways about this: first of all, I feel a little bit like I've failed. Like I've become a person that just has to be on a diet because they don't know any other way, which, to be honest, is true. I've been on diets since I was twelve—I'm almost twenty-six now, so I've been dieting over half my life. I don't know how to relate to food normally; that's why I am where I am.

I also feel a bit defensive about this choice, and I feel like I shouldn't have to be defensive about it. I probably don't have to be, but since this is a blog, here I go.

I wholly support size acceptance. I do. It feels a bit hypocritical to add “for everyone else,” but there it is. SA should also allow me to not accept my size if it's not what I want for me. I am 80-100 pounds overweight, depending on which numbers you use, and I don't think that's anything to sneeze at. And since it took me twenty-some years to get to this point, logic dictates that it's going to take a fair amount of time to get to the point where I can relate to my body in a semi-normal way again. It's time I don't have. I have a family history of diabetes and heart disease, and I feel like I'm courting disaster, not only with my weight but with my eating habits. In a perfect world I would be able to see this and have some sort of epiphany which allowed me to immediately start eating tons of fruits and vegetables and very little processed food. It's not a perfect world, as we all know, so this is going to take some work. Obviously doing it on my own isn't working. Also, I feel terrible most of the time. I constantly have sinus problems, joint pain in my ankles and fingers, and stomach problems even when I haven't eaten for several hours. I can stand on principal all day long, but if I feel like shit when the sun goes down, I'm going to take some honest-to-God for-reals action.

So this is the action I'm taking. I'm going on a diet. I'm going to try to make it a learning experience and to break bad habits, like eating when I'm full or bored or eating nutritionally deficient foods. And yes, I still think dieting sucks, and I still hate being on one, but you do what you have to do. I want to be around to see my grandkids, and I don't want to be so out of shape I can't enjoy it.

I'm starting a nervous breakdown pool

It's for my mother, but hey, why not me, too? My brother left for Iraq either today or yesterday, and she's not happy. (According to my sister, he didn't actually leave for Iraq, he's got a layover somewhere for two weeks. But I guess it's all the same to my mom, and for that I can't blame her.) I'm trying to be sympathetic--hell, I can even be empathetic, I have two sons and I have been trying very hard not to imagine what it would be like to see one or both of them and know that it may very well be the last time I'll see them alive--but she's not making it easy. How can I be sympathetic to someone who tells me that me and my family are filthy and disgusting? Take it with a grain of salt. That has become my mantra.

I have gained at least five pounds since living with her, probably more. But that stops now. I will not let her make me revert to emotional eating--well, again, anyway.

Before my brother left, we had some pictures taken. I got them off my mom's camera and onto my computer and I am not at all happy with what I see. I look six months pregnant in all of them. The only decent one is one where I am posing with my siblings and I'm behind my sister. Here's one of the worse pictures. I'm the one in red.

I've never been particularly photogenic, but this just...ugh. (By the way, that's my sister holding my youngest, her husband behind her, and the back of my oldest's head.) I don't want to look like this any more. I think that from now on when I need a kick in the pants to get back on track I need to have someone take a candid picture of me.

I almost went to Taco Bell today. My mom was driving me crazy, my 25-year-old husband is having stomach pains because of her (onset of an ulcer?) and I was just done. I couldn't even fathom the idea of being there another day, let alone another six months. I was actually counting the money in my purse to see what I could get, and I just said, "Stop. This is not what you want." So far it's worked. And I'm right, it isn't what I want.

You know when they say that you have to lose weight for yourself first? I honestly think that if my main reason for losing weight was for myself--and especially if it was noncosmetic--I wouldn't do it. "Health" is kind of a nebulous idea at my age. I feel fine. I can walk up a flight of stairs just fine, I can ride a bike, I can do pretty much whatever I want to do. I will be drenched in sweat, but I can do it. To me it's not enough to say "I want to get healthy," even though I have a strong family history of diabetes. There is no diabetes meter that I can see my risk go down with my weight. (I'm sure there's a calculator of some sort online, but you know what I mean.) So I need something stronger than that. To be honest, most of the time my strongest reason for losing weight is revenge. Well, maybe revenge isn't the best word. I want to show people that I can overcome obstacles. That I am not a fat lazy slob. That I can be pretty. I want to show them that they were wrong about me. Right now I want to show my mother that she cannot break me. She cannot drag me down with her, and she will not make me turn to fast food for comfort because she's taken her bad day out on me.

OK. Enough of that. I can hear the swelling of the violins as I shake my fist in the air. I think I've griped enough for today. I'm going to go look at real estate online and dream.

Goodbye, blog

Well, not really. Catchy, though, right? The reason I say goodbye is that my mother's house has only--wait for it--dial-up internet. The horror. She is looking into getting satellite internet so that she can talk to my brother on Yahoo Messenger or something similar when he gets to Iraq. Since she lives in the country, she can't get cable under normal circumstances. DH works for the cable company, though, so he's trying to get them to pull some strings and install cable access out there. They're going to have to do it sooner or later--housing developments are springing up all around her house, and presumably they are going to want cable. The estimate is $7000, and I guess the cable company is now deciding if it's worth it to install. I will miss my cable internet, yes, but I do feel slightly vindicated. One of our neighbors has been stealing our WiFi and to him I say ha! Enjoy your last night of free internet, josh-PC, because tomorrow it goes bye-bye. Ha ha ha! And ha!

Eating is bleh. No real change. I made cheesecake cookies today and ate too many when they were first out, but that was because the first batch didn't come out very well and I was trying to get rid of them. Isn't that the stupidest reason to gorge on cookies? I did notice this morning that my pants weren't as tight when I put them on. That's a plus.

I really do need to get moving on the whole weight loss thing. The Beck Diet Solution is really helping me, but I haven't read anything on it in a week or so and I'm kind of stagnating.

Well, I have a lot to say about this move--our worst move ever, although I would never go so far as to say it was *the* worst move ever--but it will have to wait. I'm at the house to clean, and it is going very slo-o-o-o-wly. Our washer kicked a hole in the wall behind it, and I'm trying to fix it. It was able to kick a hole in the wall because it wasn't actual wallboard, and I really don't think a shoddy fix that inevitably broke when exposed to normal use should be my responsibility to fix, but I want my deposit back. So I'm fixing it. It's 10 PM and I wouldn't be surprised if I were here for another two or three hours. One nice thing about being at my mom's house, she gets home at 5 PM. I could always take her car and finish it tomorrow. In fact, I probably will, because I don't see how this is going to get done tonight.

The next six months are going to be terrible.

Well, my mom and I had a fight. Not physical or anything, just yelling.

A quick recap of the situation there: about a year and a half ago we went through some major financial difficulties that resulted in lots of bills that we were very close to not being able to pay. We had to move out of our first house, a house that I loved and still do. It was a very difficult time, and I am very paranoid about money now. Especially since we don't have any, and you should be paranoid about money if you're poor. So when the car died and we had no savings to pay for it (it couldn't have broken a month earlier when we did have savings, of course not) I made the decision that we needed to move in with my mom to avoid getting into a situation like we had before, where we very seriously were discussing bankruptcy. I don't want to do that again. We're moving this weekend and hope to have the money for the car by mid-August. Then we can focus on saving, paying bills, and maybe even buying another house. I asked her if that would be OK, and she agreed.

My sister lived with my mom and moved out not too long before our situation came up , and all I have heard the entire time we have been planning our move is "I hope it's not like when your sister was here. I can't take that again." "I hope you appreciate this more than your sister did." "I hope you keep this room cleaner than your sister did." It's not all about my sister, though. Some other memorable quotes? "If I decide that you're spending money on things that aren't necessary, I'm going to start charging you rent." And about us being there when she's trying to sell her house: "If the real estate agent comes to show the house, you guys need to leave. Take a walk or something." (To understand why this is so bad, my mom lives about ten miles out in the country. Off a major highway. There is no place to 'take a walk' unless I want to get hit by a car, and if the kids are sleeping, I'm not going to wake them up. Sorry, that's just how it is. If people can't make an appointment and expect to show up at a moment's notice, they have to get used to the idea that there may be people home.)

She's also told me that I have to buy groceries and clean, which, on paper doesn't sound so bad. The first one doesn't really bother me, my mom doesn't eat breakfast and buys her lunch so all I'd have to worry about is dinner. Most of the food I make can be served family style, one extra isn't a big deal. However, I have cleaned for my mom before and she expects the house to constantly be in show condition. As in, if the kids are playing with toys, run after them and pick up one toy as soon as they're done with it instead of waiting until they're done playing. Take people's plates from them as soon as they've taken the last bite of food off of it even if this means getting up from your own meal. Even if it means you have to eat cold food, you put the pots and pans from dinner in the dishwasher as soon as the food is out of them (if they're able to be put in the dishwasher, there is some sort of arbitrary system to what can and cannot go in the dishwasher that seems to be related to when she bought the items and how much she paid). Stuff like that.

I don't want to sound ungrateful that my mom is letting us move in for a few months. I am grateful. I am just tired of being taken for granted. I have yet to hear a thank you for loaning my mom/brother the money that could have let me avoid this whole situation. DH doesn't get thanked for helping my mom with the chores; in fact, she complains about him all the time and has been trying to get me to leave him even when I was pregnant with my oldest. I can remember an incident where she was driving me home from the hospital where I had been with preterm labor. I was going home to go on bedrest and she harped on me the entire way home about leaving him. Stress is good for the baby, right?

My mother is difficult to live with. At least two of my sisters agree with me on this. She is great when you're not living with her: easy to get along with, nice, etc. But when you're under the same roof she's a nightmare.

Where was I going with all this? Oh, yes. We were at her house Sunday. DH and I had been moving stuff up, and E was sitting at the table coloring with his cousin M. M knocked a napkin on the floor, no big deal. I saw it as I was loading and unloading the dishwasher. I didn't think it was important enough to interrupt that to go pick up a clean napkin. Oops.

My mom came in, saw the napkin on the floor, and started sniping about how this was just like when my sister was here, it was starting already, on and on and on. Over a napkin that a two-year-old knocked onto the floor. And not even my two-year-old. I snapped. I am so sick and tired of hearing how us moving in is a huge inconvenience. She constantly talks about wishing she could sell the house now, there's a lady who's going to come see it in November, wouldn't it be nice if she could sell it then, etc. I know, or hope, she doesn't mean it the way it comes across--I'll sell this thing without a care as to what you guys are going to do for shelter--but it still stings. So I had had it up to my eyeballs yesterday. When she started complaining, I started yelling about how I wasn't my sister and I was sick and tired of hearing about all this, it wasn't even something that my kid had done, etc. I was just done with it. We left.

On the way home, I kept telling DH "this is a huge mistake. This is a huge mistake, we should not be doing this." His argument was it's not a mistake if it's your only option. I think that you can be doing the only thing you see available to you and still be making a mistake. Sometimes that's just how things work out.

Sorry about the huge vent, hopefully no one thinks I'm an ungrateful brat. I just don't appreciate the attitude that we're doing this because we'd rather leech off my parents. To the contrary, I am very upset that I'm 24, married with 2 kids, and having to move in with my mom. I only hope that we can get this taken care of and get out of there ASAP.

To make this a post that's on topic with my blog, this didn't make me overeat. In fact, I believe I lost another pound. So there.

I am a weight loss turtle

Slow and steady wins the race and all. Since I last posted I've lost two pounds doing a whole lot of nothing. Well, eating slightly less. (If I didn't overeat at all it probably would have been down five or more pounds.) I've been reading this book called "The Beck Diet Solution: Train Your Brain to Think Like a Thin Person." It's actually working. For instance, and this is going to sound really stupid, it came as somewhat of a revelation to me that you don't always need to eat if you're hungry. If it's an hour to dinnertime or an hour since you last ate, you're probably not going to die. There's a lot about talking yourself through stuff like cravings. They will go away eventually, you don't need to give in to them. It's actually been helpful.

I mentioned in a previous post that I don't really eat emotionally anymore. I guess it's true that I don't eat out of anxiety or anger or whatever--not really--but I do eat out of boredom. Especially after the kids go to bed. After 8 PM, I don't really know what to do with myself. I think this is why I always need to have a project. It kind of makes me sad to think that my sense of self is so wrapped up in being a mother that I am at loose ends when there is not some immediate parenting to do. That's my biggest hurdle right now. After that? Laziness. Because I am nothing if not a couch potato.

I'm melting away

Weight today was 229.6! Woohoo! I feel "cautiously optimistic" that this isn't water weight--I am running a serious calorie deficit, so it's not unreasonable that this be real weight, right? Just a quick update--we're off to Hobby Lobby.

I'm still here

Still on plan, too, although I could still go for a piece of dark chocolate. Apparently that will go away with time. That kind of sucks. I don't know if I want to not eat chocolate anymore; it's never really been a binge food for me. I also can't imagine six weeks without it, let alone the rest of my life. The Six Week Body Makeover (or 6WBMO) people insist that that will go away.

The forums over there have given me a lot of good info, but I've laughed at some things, too. For instance there are a lot of concerns over the plan having enough calories. Someone posted that they had measured their calories for a while with the help of an aunt who was a nutritionist and it consistently came out to less than 1000 calories. One day was 500. I don't know how they were still on the plan because I would have caved in at that point, but I can believe that if you just strictly adhere to the meal suggestions (i.e., 2 oz protein, 1/4 c fruit) that you could eat very few calories. I say strictly adhere meaning if you don't add any of the "free" vegetables, although none of them are very high calorie.

Anyway, the answer to this person's and other's concerns was "but our calories are soooo nutrient packed! We can get away with only 500! Long live 6WBMO!" It was pretty amusing, and total crap if ever there has been total crap. I am not a nutritionist or a doctor, but my understanding of calories is this: a calorie, in and of itself, is neither good nor bad. A calorie is a unit of energy. The body needs a minimum of calories to run all its systems and not eat itself. Calories from "whole," unprocessed foods are easier for the body to digest, but it can digest junk food calories too. To my understanding calories and nutrition are mostly separate. The reason you should eat healthily is a) It's easier for the body to process, as I said, and b) You get more food when you eat healthier. There's a little blurb in Glamour magazine each month that is "eat this, or eat all this," which basically shows usable alternatives to your favorite foods/meals. For instance, there was one that showed that instead of eating four fried cheese sticks and beer you could have ten buffalo wings, popcorn, and a couple glasses of wine. Or something. It's the same idea: 500 calories from vegetables, chicken and brown rice goes a lot further than 500 calories from a double cheeseburger.

Of course you know no one said "Excuse me but that's a load of malarkey." Actually everyone chimed in and said "Yes! This is true! That whole 'don't go below 1200 calories' thing? That just means 'without your doctor's blessing.' Oh, you didn't run this by your doctor? Well, Michael Thurmond is close, right?"

The program itself is really not that bad, I actually feel good and like I'm doing good things for my body, but groupthink annoys me no matter what the context.

I think I'm going to go read a magazine. I was cleaning today and found a couple of them that had fallen behind the chest freezer. There's actually one somewhere that I haven't even taken out of the plastic yet, but I'm too lazy to go find it. Oh, a quick note about lazy: I did not do my exercise today. I am going to pull my exercise bike out tomorrow and go to the gym (DH has the day off work) and I have to do the toning program thingy. I hate seeing that thing in the living room, but I need the visual to get me off my butt.

Even though I know I shouldn't...

...I weighed myself this morning. 232.4! Woohoo! 2.6 pounds down, probably water weight this early, but it's still nice to see a difference in the scale so early on. I can't wait to be under 230. I can't wait to be under 200.

And so it begins

Today is Day One of the Six Week Body Makeover. I had planned on doing all Rapid Results meals (or as many as possible, you're not supposed to do them after you've worked out) but I am rethinking that because, as another poster put it, "a diet of nothing but turkey and grapefruit will push you over the edge." That it will. I have had one meal of egg whites and salad and already I'm snapping at everyone. It doesn't help that I have a headache, although I can't imagine how that could be related to what food I eat. (Or could it? "I have to eat eggs, bacon and toast for breakfast! It's MEDICAL!") (Here's another parentheses for you: I forgot I wasn't breastfeeding anymore. I can take whatever pills I want! Woohoo! Imagine the possibilities!)

So I think the plan for lunch is 2 ounces chicken, grilled; 1/2 cup mashed potato; 1 cup squash blend mixed vegetables. That's not too bad. And I still have a morning snack that I get to eat later, probably tonight, because I didn't eat breakfast until 10:30. I'm pretty sure if I get through the first three days that's the hardest part. Things will probably not be easy after that, but they might be easier.

If I were single this would be a piece of cake. I don't have to feed anyone else but me, so no one else's food needs to be in the house. Except I'm not single, I have a husband and two kids, and they all love junk food. The kitchen is filled with various Helpers, cereal bars, crackers, tater tots, macaroni and cheese, potato chips, hot dogs...when I was single, I DID NOT BUY THESE FOODS. I swear. I never ate hot dogs and macaroni and cheese; not it's on the menu at least once a week. Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't trade my family to make it easier to diet, but it would be nice if they could be satisfied eating what I eat--chicken, rice, vegtables, etc. Actually the baby would probably be OK with that. The other two would mutiny.

According to the literature (and my own calculations) the maximum I could lose in the first six weeks is about forty pounds. The minimum I expect to lose is fifteen pounds, although I'm pretty sure their minimum was more than this. That would be nice to see that kind of result--forty pounds is a pretty good motivator to keep going.

Also, you are supposed to do an hour of cardio 5-6 days a week on this plan, and I believe the weather is actually going to cooperate enough for me to walk to the library with the kids without melting.

My Scale is Laughing at Me

Yesterday's weight was 232.4; today it is 234.8. Ah, arbitrary weight loss and gain, how I've missed you. I was never exactly thrilled about the two pounds that I lost taking me from 234.6 to 232.4. I know, it sounds weird, but I am highly suspicious of weight loss I did nothing to earn. And by earn, I mean tracking every calorie I eat, keeping them under 1800, and working out an hour a day. Just eating healthy and getting more activity in doesn't cut it in my book, because it's never seemed to do anything before so why should I believe it will now?

Another reason for my suspicion of unearned weight loss is that I have been burned by scales before. The scale I had before I got my new one (which I still don't trust; in fact, I don't trust any scale but I still use them religiously. Go figure.) showed me as weighing 184 just before I got pregnant with N, my 9-month-old. After I gave birth it showed me at 219, then a drop over a few weeks to 207 which I considered my "baseline", my real weight after the excess fluids from the baby were gone. Shortly after that it settled in around 199/200. And then, all of a sudden, an 11 pound loss to put me at 189. I didn't believe it for a second. But it stayed there for a while, so I foolishly accepted it. Then my scale started showing that I had gained 75 pounds or lost ten pounds from when I weighed myself two minutes before. I decided a new scale was in order and, surprise surprise, the new scale showed my weight at 207. I was so disgusted and, frankly, pissed off that I had worked so hard for four months to lose exactly no weight. This was the point at which I decided that diets disgusted me and I wasn't going to do it anymore, I was going to Eat Healthy and Exercise Every Day. Thirty pounds gained and I'm back on the Diet Wagon, even though I really don't want to be there. I guess I'd rather be on the Diet Wagon than the Overweight with Type 2 Diabetes Wagon.

I will be starting the Six Week Body Makeover Sunday. I have warned my husband that I will probably be not fun to be around for the first week. As I put it, "No food makes J angry." As far as I can tell the plan is about 1200 calories a day and you're supposed to do an hour of cardio five days a week, with a toning program three days a week. I am so thrilled, there are no words. Especially since I am starting with the "Rapid Results" program, which seems to be turkey breast, greens, grapefruit, and the occasional half cup of rice or cup of mixed veggies. But it is better than getting diabetes or something, and I'm only doing the Rapid Results for a week. I feel like I need to do something drastic to start to get my mind in the zone of sticking to this program.

As I was typing this, my hands went numb no fewer than five times.

I have a plan...

It's an ambitious one to be sure. I dug out my Six Week Body Makeover book and looked through it and decided that I would do the Rapid Start program. Very few carbs, no dairy, no fruit besides grapefruit, only chicken and fish for protein. Granted, I'm only doing it for the first week to get myself into the dieting mindset. And the rest of the plan will be wonderful after that. We'll see how I do. I just have to focus. Eye on the prize and all that.

Yay! Motivation to lose weight!

My best friend just told me that she is engaged, so woohoo! I do not want to be fat for her wedding--I have until late summer (August or September) of next year to lose an estimated 70 pounds at least. It makes it so much easier to stick to a plan if I have a reason to, and since I'm maid of honor I really want to put my best foot forward, so to speak. No one else that would be in the wedding is overweight and Lord knows that's one way I don't want to stick out like a sore thumb. Who wants to be the fat girl?

A Horrible New Weight

I have lost a pound, down to 235.8. Forgive me if I don't get excited. Losing a pound=good. Weighing 235 pounds=bad. Disgusting. Horrifying. I know there are people out there who are trying to lose a lot more weight than I am--75.8 pounds at last count--but that doesn't mean I can't be depressed about the number anyway.

I went to the gym for the last two days in a row--even if I only did cardio I went. No go today because DH had a dentist's appointment. I will try and do a video while the kids nap later, assuming I don't fall asleep on the couch first.

Yet Another Day One

Well, actually it's 6 PM, so tomorrow will be another day one. One of many.

I am a mother of two, and my youngest is eight months old. With the first, E, the baby weight was fairly easy to lose once I got down to it. It's completely the opposite with my youngest, N. It seems that no matter what I do--low calorie, high protein, low fat, lots of exercise, tons of water--I gain weight. So for a while now I have done what I want. And, of course, I have gained weight. I actually weigh more now than I did when I was 9 months pregnant. Only two pounds more, but still. Sometimes I wish I was pregnant again so at least there would be some justification for all this weight.

Right now I weigh 231.2. There, it's said. When N was born I weighed somewhere around 219 (229 when I was 9 months pregnant) and I got down to 207 within a few months of his birth. I thought I was down to 189, and I was ecstatic. Then I got a new scale, since the old one would measure up to 75 pounds difference within a minute. No, seriously. I found out I was 207 and fell off the wagon, for lack of a better term.

I'm done. I have two pairs of pants that fit, and they're on the way out. I have less than five shirts that fit comfortably, and I have three pairs of shorts. I have boxes and boxes of clothes that I have packed up because they no longer fit. I can't bear to get rid of them, though, mostly because I'm not independently wealthy and can't afford to replace my wardrobe when I gain or lose weight.

I'm sure it will take me a while to find a balance between being able to control my weight and the rest of my life. And I'm here to write about it until I do.