Thursday, May 24, 2007

Fatty fatty fat fat

Weight is up to 235.8. This is baffling to me. I will admit to eating more than I should on the weekend, but that was four days ago, and I certainly didn't eat an extra 18,000 calories.

According to the most basic formula (weight x 15 to maintain) I should be able to eat 3500 calories a day and not gain weight. And I don't. Eat 3500 calories a day, that is. I do keep track. I hope it's one of those girl bloaty things. Gaining unexplainable weight was one reason why I gave up dieting after N was born. Breastfeeding and eating 2000-2500 calories a day got me a 10 pound weight gain. The next 25 came after I threw up my hands in disgust and gave up. Good job me! I am seriously considering thyroid testing, the fat person's scapegoat of choice. I had it tested once, when I was younger, and it was within normal ranges. However, that is something that can change with pregnancy and I've had two. So maybe. That would be nice to be able to take a pill and actually lose weight when I diet and exercise.

I have a confession to make. When I was younger, after my dog died, I stopped eating. And then once I got over the worst of the grief I had lost weight. So I kept not eating. And I lost 40 pounds. (Sadly, losing forty pounds did not make me skinny. I was still at least 15 pounds overweight.) Then I got bored and started eating again. I did manage to keep a lot of the weight I had lost off until I got pregnant with E. I am very seriously considering doing that again. Willful anorexia. Frankly, it was the only diet that ever worked for me. I am not condoning the whole eat-until-you-starve-to-death thing, nor am I saying it's for long term use. But maybe my food issues are so bad that the only way I can deal with them is to just not eat. I wish I could be normal about food, but I've been trying for a decade now and I'm no closer than I was when I started.

I can't believe I'm actually going to put this on the internet. But it's pertinent information, I guess.

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